Britney Spears — “3”

Sexy song, sexy video — what more do you need?

The Holy Spearit is really showing off her godly goods in this vid, cutting back and forth between scenes featuring a steamy, fogged-up glass wall (someone give me a cold shower), some lacy leggings (sexy and ladylike!), and some horizontal pole dancing (hello, cleavage).

That’s right, ladies and lady-boys — Our very own Miss Britney Spears has just redefined pole dancing for entire world. It’s no longer sufficient to work a vertical pole; you’ve gotta be able to work your stuff on a horizontal pole hanging above your head.

Bow down, haters, and accept Our Lady Godney Spears as your Savior.

Beyoncé featuring Sean Paul — “Baby Boy”

BOW DOWN, ladies and gentlemen, because Queen B is about to blow your minds with a stunning display of goddessness and spectacularity.

In my mind, this is the moment that Bey became a full-blown superstar. Sure, the half-naked writhing on the fur blankets is ridiculously sexy and all, but… When she did that mind-bending backward flip in the sand, I did the loudest gay gasp in the history of the world and promptly made a deal with the devil where he could have my firstborn child if only I could replicate that move.

Unfortunately, I came closer to breaking my neck than perfecting that maneuver, and that, my friends, is why Beyoncé is the one selling out stadium tours and I’m not.

Cheryl Cole — “Call My Name”

Confession time: I CAN’T STOP WATCHING THIS VIDEO. I dream about this video and sneak into the bathroom at work just so I can watch it.

The fierceness (please excuse my use of the word, but I couldn’t think of anything better) is just ridiculous. Absolutely ba-na-nas. Too. Much. To. Handle.

First of all, those Hammer pants are straight-up insane in the absolute best way possible, and I want them. BAD. If I were of the female persuasion I’d be allll over that shiz, but unfortunately Godney made me with a penis.

But my genitals are irrelevant here because I can’t stop looking at Chezza’s thighs. I wasn’t aware she had such sexy tattoos so high on her legs, and when you’ve got her wearing booty shorts, strutting her stuff in the sewer, it’s just about too much to handle. AmIRightOrAmIRight?

Oh, and the dancing? Don’t even get me started. I’m signing up for classes RIGHT NOW.

I’m forever and always a faithful servant to the Holy Spearit, but I’ll be damned if this video doesn’t make me want to switch religions.

Jessica Simpson — “Irresistible”

You guys… I can’t even handle the epic amazingness of this song and video. I’m not even kidding. 100% honest. Every time I watch it, it just… takes my breath away. I don’t know what it is, but everything about is just so irresistible, up close and personal.

That futuristic CGI cityscape? Classic early-’00s pop!

The breathy lyrics about a sexy guy to whom she wants to give her V-card? Catchy, amazing, and just the perfect amount of risqué!

The skimpy outfits and ridiculous dance moves? My absolute favorite things ever.

It’s more than just physical, ya’ll, and deeper than spiritual. I can’t lie; I have a gay-gasm every time I watch it.

Oh, J. Simp… I think that I’m in love with you, and I just want to love you forever. This is all I’m asking of you.

Kristine Elezaj — “Warpath”

I could sit here all day and explain to you why this video is 100% amazing beyond belief, but I’m a busy boy with places to go and people to see stalk (Hi Kristine!).

So here are the basics. There are only five things you need to know about why this video is the best music video ever made in the history of music:

1. Owl!
2. Kristine is a sexy bitch (Which is really no surprise if you know anything about anything. The girl’s gorgeous!)
3. Metal wings that unfold? YES PLEASE.
4. Fire, fire, and MORE FIRE!
5. and… drumroll please… that Justin Bieber reference that will go down in history as the single best moment in pop music ever. 

Don’t even try to argue.