Adam Lambert — “Never Close Our Eyes”

You guys, I’m obsessed with this song. Like, legitimately obsessed to the point that I can’t stop playing it at full volume in my car, my apartment, on my iPod… everywhere. I also can’t stop singing it.

Basically, I’m annoying everyone around me with my never-ending parade of this flawless pop masterpiece.

“American Idol” alum Adam Lambert has really struck gold with this one. It’s dancey, it’s pop-y, it’s amazing-y, and it’s got Lambert’s signature glamtastic vocals.

Good thing it got a proper video treatment to do the song justice, too. It starts off in a dark  and drab dystopian future, in a society where people are herded like sheep and… somehow controlled through their eyes? Good thing we’re not closing ours ever!

Eventually, Mr. Lambert is leading an uprising of sexy-anorexic dancers with dead eyes, and before you know it, though, the video’s transformed into the most spectacular Glambert-approved ’80s-inspired day-glo dance party you’ve ever seen.

Oh, sweet Jesus… It’s basically the gayest thing ever, and I LOVE IT.

P!nk — “Most Girls”

You know, most boys want their music videos with half-naked women and lots of hard partying. I don’t know… masculine things like that.

I just want real love.

I want my videos with buff, half-naked men playing the cello; tough, kick-ass ladies wearing bikinis trimmed with faux fur; tons of chains and patent leather; and opera singers with spikes around their necks.

I want P!nk’s ridiculously neon hair.

I want that wad of money that she’s waving around like she just don’t care.

I also want lots of deep metaphors about love as boxing ring, because, duh, it totally is.

Britney Spears — “3”

Sexy song, sexy video — what more do you need?

The Holy Spearit is really showing off her godly goods in this vid, cutting back and forth between scenes featuring a steamy, fogged-up glass wall (someone give me a cold shower), some lacy leggings (sexy and ladylike!), and some horizontal pole dancing (hello, cleavage).

That’s right, ladies and lady-boys — Our very own Miss Britney Spears has just redefined pole dancing for entire world. It’s no longer sufficient to work a vertical pole; you’ve gotta be able to work your stuff on a horizontal pole hanging above your head.

Bow down, haters, and accept Our Lady Godney Spears as your Savior.

Beyoncé featuring Sean Paul — “Baby Boy”

BOW DOWN, ladies and gentlemen, because Queen B is about to blow your minds with a stunning display of goddessness and spectacularity.

In my mind, this is the moment that Bey became a full-blown superstar. Sure, the half-naked writhing on the fur blankets is ridiculously sexy and all, but… When she did that mind-bending backward flip in the sand, I did the loudest gay gasp in the history of the world and promptly made a deal with the devil where he could have my firstborn child if only I could replicate that move.

Unfortunately, I came closer to breaking my neck than perfecting that maneuver, and that, my friends, is why Beyoncé is the one selling out stadium tours and I’m not.

Cheryl Cole — “Call My Name”

Confession time: I CAN’T STOP WATCHING THIS VIDEO. I dream about this video and sneak into the bathroom at work just so I can watch it.

The fierceness (please excuse my use of the word, but I couldn’t think of anything better) is just ridiculous. Absolutely ba-na-nas. Too. Much. To. Handle.

First of all, those Hammer pants are straight-up insane in the absolute best way possible, and I want them. BAD. If I were of the female persuasion I’d be allll over that shiz, but unfortunately Godney made me with a penis.

But my genitals are irrelevant here because I can’t stop looking at Chezza’s thighs. I wasn’t aware she had such sexy tattoos so high on her legs, and when you’ve got her wearing booty shorts, strutting her stuff in the sewer, it’s just about too much to handle. AmIRightOrAmIRight?

Oh, and the dancing? Don’t even get me started. I’m signing up for classes RIGHT NOW.

I’m forever and always a faithful servant to the Holy Spearit, but I’ll be damned if this video doesn’t make me want to switch religions.

*NYSNC — “Girlfriend”

Ten years (ten whole years!) before Bieber sat on a car and swagged his way into your heart as your boyfriend, *NYSNC did the exact same thing. Except their version didn’t reference Buzz Lightyear or fondue — and I’m not convinced that’s a bad thing.

Also: They danced ON their cars and even did a little drag racing, so… I think we all know who I would pick to by my boyfriend.

Bonnie Tyler — “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

First things first: If you haven’t seen the “Literal Version” of this video, do yourself a massive favor and WATCH IT NOW (prepare to die laughing).

Now: Let’s make sure we all agree that this is the greatest ballad to ever come out of the ’80s. Are you onboard? Good.

Now let’s talk about how this video is totally fucked up and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. 

I’m OK with the fact that it takes place in a super-creepy mansion — a haunting song deserves a haunting locale, no? — but the rest of the visuals are just bat-shit crazy in the absolute best way possible, starting with THE GUY WITH GLOWING LIGHTS FOR EYES. WTF is this? I thought I was watching a music video, not “The Village of the Damned.”

And it just gets worse from there, with doors opening by themselves, curtains EVERYWHERE, and… oh sweet jesus… Did this just turn into a barely-legal prep school porn fantasy? Am I supposed to be aroused or scared right now? Hold me, Bonnie Tyler!

Oh, wait, but here come the ninjas. That makes everything better.

I could go on and on, but I’ve only covered the first minute-and-a-half. This classic is a whole 5 minutes and 33 seconds of nonsense, folks. And I just can’t get enough of it.

Britney Spears — “Born To Make You Happy”

Yes. Oh, god. Yes. Everything about this video is just… YES.

No one can pull off silver eyeliner like the Divine Miss Godney Spears, and certainly no one else could ever possbily master that foot-on-the-wall-stripper-booty-tooch like Brit Brit, either. I’d love to see you try.

And don’t even get me started on the industrial group choreography scene because I. Can’t. Even. Handle. It.

It’s too much. It’s too perfect. Our Heavenly Mother, I am not worthy of your divine love!

Lindsay Lohan — “Rumors”

Oh, Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay.

I miss the days when Lindsay was redheaded, kinda-sorta-classy, and more-or-less respectable. I was 100% stoked when she decided to become a recording artist and came out with “Rumors,” and — HOLY MOTHER OF GODNEY, LOOK AT THAT CLEAVAGE.

I think I just went straight. Am I drooling? Is this real life? Can I please be stuck in that elevator with her?

OMG, and then that birdcage! Yes, ladies and lady-like gentlemen — Lindsay did the oversized birdcage wayyyy before Miley did. Bow down! (Let’s ignore that rooftop dancing, though, mmkay?)

Now that I think about it, though, we probably should have taken this whole thing as a sign. The song (and video, natch) are about Lindsay just wanting to have a good time in the club with coke her friends, and we all know how that eventually turned out. 

Oh well… I’m still holding out for Lindsay’s triumphant comeback. Who’s with me?

Jessica Simpson — “Irresistible”

You guys… I can’t even handle the epic amazingness of this song and video. I’m not even kidding. 100% honest. Every time I watch it, it just… takes my breath away. I don’t know what it is, but everything about is just so irresistible, up close and personal.

That futuristic CGI cityscape? Classic early-’00s pop!

The breathy lyrics about a sexy guy to whom she wants to give her V-card? Catchy, amazing, and just the perfect amount of risqué!

The skimpy outfits and ridiculous dance moves? My absolute favorite things ever.

It’s more than just physical, ya’ll, and deeper than spiritual. I can’t lie; I have a gay-gasm every time I watch it.

Oh, J. Simp… I think that I’m in love with you, and I just want to love you forever. This is all I’m asking of you.